1. |
John I
02:02
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(Jon):
Ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary friends, it’s Johnin’ time
(John):
Oooooohhhhhhh I really hate Mondays
They really fuckin’ suck
Fuck, fuck Mondays
They’re really really shit
Ohhhhh, I fuckin’ hate Mondays
I really fuckin’ do
The worst day of the week
Is a fuckin’ Monday
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck Mondays, shit
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, goddamn Mondays, piss
Ooooooohhh FUCK I MISSED MY CUE
SHIT, I WAS SUPPOSED TO COME IN EARLIER
THIS DAY’S ALREADY TURNING OUT TO BE SHIT
AHHHH, OKAY LOOK
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
I DON’T LIKE MONDAYS, OKAY?
I HATE ‘EM
FUCK
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck Mondays, shit
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, goddamn Mondays, ass
(Jhon):
Hey John, just how much do you really fucking hate Mondays?
(John):
A LOT!!
*goes ballistic*
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2. |
John II
01:45
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(John):
There is one thing I need to do in order to start this wretched day
And that is I need to get out of bed
I just awoke and I don’t want to leave the comfort of my room
Why must it be a Monday, why can’t it be another day?
I’m still so tired and I don’t want to get up
But life is not fair anyway
This bed’s so comfy, how does anyone get out?
What is the point of all of this?
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh
(Jän):
Two
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3. |
John III
01:28
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(John):
I gotta get up out of bed and face the day up ahead
I gotta gain the courage to arise and not be dead
Brush my teeth and shower, and then eat my morning food
Now do I cook some breakfast or just get something good out?
I think I’ve made my decision, I’m gonna make some eggs with cheese
Gotta get that protein or else I won’t be so strong
As I’m leaving I think that I’m not remembering something but I can’t for the life of me remember what in the fuck it is
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Come on, jog your brain, you really can’t remember what you’re forgetting, how are you doing this especially when you are leaving
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY (EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE) WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
WHAT
THE
FUCK
And that’s when I realized… I forgot to feed my cat
*meow*
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4. |
John IV
02:27
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(John):
TRAFFIC FUCKING SUCKS
As I sit here in my car on the way to work, I begin to wonder. What led me to where I am right now? Why am I sitting in this car, on this highway, going to this shitty-ass job? Why? Every Monday I think this, I really do. Every goddamn Monday. And it pains me every time. If you can tell, I’m just not that happy, I’m just not. With the way things are right now, my life feels very stagnant, nothing is happening, it’s just the same old, same old. And with the start of every week, it sucks even more. Wai- is that a cop? Tell me I’m not about to get pulled over right now, am I? Am I seriously about to get pulled over?
NOOOOOOOOOOO
False alarm
As I was saying, I hope there’s something that can bring me out of this funk that I’ve been in for years. It might not sound like I want something to, but I do. I mean, I’m still living, right? I obviously haven’t died. I wanna keep going. I want something to, *snaps fingers* ya know, give that spark. And I’m afraid I haven’t found it yet. But there is potential, there is. This is just the dumb shit I think about on the way to work. Isn’t life grand? Isn’t it?
And I’m here
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5. |
John V
02:32
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(John):
FUCK THIS FUCKIN’ PLACE, FUCK THIS FUCKIN’ PLACE, FUCK IT ALL TO SHIT
FUCK THIS FUCKIN’ PLACE, FUCK THIS FUCKIN’ PLACE, FUCK IT ALL TO SHEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIT
And do y’all wanna know what I do for a living? Well, it’s, it’s not very interesting, it’s just some shitty dumb office job.
God this fuckin’ suuuuuuuucks. Ugh, I’m so boooooored. There’s, like, nothing that can make this more interesting. I’m, like, suffering over here. I just need to escape, man. I just do. I feel like I’m trapped in this stupid building, doing this dumb work, all for nothing. I gotta do something. Something exciting, ya know? I think I got it.
I’m gonna go jack off in the bathroom
Ugh, yes. Ugh, this is so much better than doing my actual job. Thank God no one’s in here. Oh, it’s time, it’s time.
(Jawn):
HEY THERE JOHN, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
*nervous noises since he is literally getting nutted on*
What
Oh my god it keeps going
Oh
No
These are- these are new pants, John
John
John
John
(John):
Wha-, uh, OH NO! OH SHIT! OH MY GOD! OH, I’M FUCKIN’ CUMMING! OH GOD I’M CUMMING, OH FUCK! OH NO! OH I CAN’T STOP IT! I’M SO SORRY I CAN’T STOP WHAT I’M DOING! I CANNOT STOP! OOHHH! I’M CUMMING ON YOUR F- AAHHHAHHH! OH NO! OH GOD! OH I’M SO SORRY! I’M SO SORRY!
(Jawn):
JOHN! YOU NUTTED ALL OVER MY SUIT!
(John):
I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to do that!
(Jawn):
John, in my office, right now
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6. |
John VI
04:02
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(John):
Welp, my boss temporarily suspended me. Yeah, that’s, it’s just kinda the way it is. I- I get it. Mondays, right? Well, I’m a little disappointed obviously, but I guess it just is what it is. Now I’m gonna do what I typically do whenever I’m disappointed and kinda sad: *opens a can of beer, pours it into a glass, and sips*, drink some beer and pretend I’m a cowboy.
Well I see you in this field, I’ve been waiting for quite some time
I've wanted you to be dead for killing my last wife
Well it happened long ago, but it hasn’t left my mind
I’ve hunted you down for so long, I’ve finally found you
You will pay for what you did to her and what you did to me
I was left with a big hole in my heart and that’s all ‘cause of you
There was no reason for this, you could’ve just left her alone
But no you could not, you had to keep on going for yourself
She was of no harm to you, what the hell could she have done?
I don’t care how you defend the taking of her life
You will pay for what you did to her and what you did to me
I was left with a big hole in my heart and that’s all ‘cause of you
You will pay for what you did to her and what you did to me
I was left with a big hole in my heart and that’s all ‘cause of you
Now that I have you right in my sights, be prepared to die
Do not even say goodbye because you don’t deserve to
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7. |
John VII
01:44
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(John):
Ya know, I just realized and had a thought. All this terrible shit that happened to me today? Totally could’ve happened any other day of the week. Could’ve happened on a Tuesday, a Wednesday, or Thursday, Friday! It doesn’t actually matter that it happened on a Monday. That’s just how chance works. I have been blaming Mondays my whole life for my problems and just for sucking in general. I think that’s just the joke you hear as a kid. “Oh, Mondays suck. Mondays are the worst day of the week”. Well, why is that? Is it because it’s after the weekend? And a lot of people have the two-day weekend where they don’t have work? Monday is the first day of the week back from the weekend, you’re going back to work? “Oh, it’s the start of a new work week, uh bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh”. It’s really just a day. And this day hasn’t gone great, but… could’ve happened tomorrow… would’ve been no different. So I’ll proceed to make the best of the rest of this day. Solid idea?
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8. |
John VIII
02:37
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(John):
Yo my name is John and I’m here to rap, yeeaaaahhhh
Pffffft, I’m just kidding, I’m white, I can’t rap, but ya know what I can do? Go to the club and party
Well my name is John and I’m at the club
I’m dancin’ and I’m movin’ and I’m groovin’ to the beat
I’m with a bunch of people, and we’re all gettin’ down
We’re movin’ and we’re slidin’ and we’re havin’ a good time
I’M GOING FUCKIN’ CRAZY, I’M GOING FUCKIN’ NUTS
I’M GOING WAY TOO HARD, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO STOP
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO FUCKING DO
OH OH GOD! OH NO HO HO! OH COME ON MAN YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU GOT THIS YOU CAN DO THIS COME ON! COME ON GET BACK INTO IT! COME ON NO HO HO NO!
Well I’m back on the floor, there’s a different beat and th- this one, this one’s fuckin’ cool. It’s groovy and dancy and everything and I like it a lot. Oh hoo, woohoo. Oh! Oh listen to that, that little solo thing? Oh that’s so cool! You guys hearing this? Y’all hearing this? Y’all liking this as much as I am? Hoo! Oohhh!
A nice little breathing moment in this night
The DJ starts playin’ some slow anthems
It’s what I needed to survive after what went on earlier
I’d like to finish off with some rockin’ and groovin’
Get my body pumpin’ with some brand new movin’
End off this Monday night on a big ol’ high note
With the only way that I know how
Won’t you all come join me for this one last dance
I’m gonna need all the help I can get
LET’S GO
As I say goodbye to this Monday night
I need to remember that I’m not angry
It ain’t my boss’ fault that he had to suspend me
And I can take the time to make my life even better than it is
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9. |
John IX
07:24
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(Jän):
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT’S JOHN!
(John):
Ah, thank you all. Thank you all so so much, I appreciate this more than you could know. This has been a Monday in the life of me, Travis, no- John, I’m sorry, I’m tired, I’m mixing up names.
(Crowd):
JOHN! JOHN! JOHN! JOHN! JOHN! JOHN! JOHN! JOHN! JOHN! JOHN! JOHN! JOHN! JOHN! JOHN! JOHN! JOHN! JOHN!
(John):
Oh! Oh my God, you guys are amazing. You’re, you’re the best. I couldn’t ask for anything more. Ya know, John? Pretty great name. I share my name with a lot of interesting people. Such as… (nice)
John Wayne: fuck that guy
John Munch: love that guy, rest in peace Richard Belzer
John McCain: mathcore, you’ll get it
John Cena:
John Lennon: WHY’D YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE BETTER CHRISTMAS SONG THAN PAUL?!!?!?!
John C. Reilly: you don’t want no part of this shit
John Denver: Rocky Mountain High
John Cage:
John Mayer: hehe no YOUR body is a wonderland
John Deacon: Ice Ice Baby
John Stamos: Jesse we need to… (Jonh): Wrong show! (John): FUCK!
John Bonham: Moby’s cock!
John Coltrane: sax go BRRRRRRRRRRRRR (Jahn): jazz
(John):
John Fogerty: Shrek! Get it ‘cause swamps?
Jon Hamm: Hang on, that is not how you spell my name. What the fuck guys?
John Legend: Wait for it… dairy!
John Prine: honestly just rest in peace to a great songwriter
John Wilkes Booth: ya know if they called this guy Brick, we could say Brick killed a guy
John Boyega: they fucked Finn over so bad in the Disney trilogy
John Dillinger: mathcore but it’s different
John Carpenter: he’s spooky and he’s scary
John Heard: HE HEARD WHAAAT
John Goodman: who’s not related to Saul Goodman by the way
John Paul Jones: more of Moby’s cock
John Travolta: He shot Marvin in the face!
John Madden: it’s in the game
John Hughes: do not tell me she looks better after, she does not
John Waters: nice stache bro
John Rambo: apple, no seriously that’s an apple
John Hurt: didn’t we talk about this gu-
Actually… is the title of the second Pet Shop Boys album BUT… I have something else to say. It’s very, very important and crucial that I get this out there. Haha Rhus!
*the fart that ends John*
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